Funny Quotes Thread

[Keith Higgs]

Basically, just post any random, funny quotes or lines on here.

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, RECYCLE IT! (Courtesy of my friend)

You can't make an omlette without breaking eggs. Now, you're thinking with portals. (That's mine. Be a nerd and you'll understand it.)

Any others out there?

[Adam Jonas]

I may be an idiot sir, but there is one thing I am not sir and that sir is an idiot.

When debating, don't solve the argument with well-reasoned discussion. Instead, simply yell "I AM A MAN!" and punch them in the gut.

[Suzie Miyazaki]

From Girl Genius:

Moloch: Wait! You mean the Devil Dogs!?
Castle: Tecnically they are "Fun-sized mobile agony and death dispensers,".

And later:
Tarvek: How ... How are you still moving?
Zola: HATE! Hate and Drugs! Lovely, lovely drugs! I'm a beautiful chemical killing machine!

[Kyle Song]

Right, I feel obliged to post with this account for some reason.

There was a rustle in the bushes...
Russel! Get out of the bushes! What are you doing in there? (Say that out loud)

Two minute noodles. Yay! Nekk Minute. Nekk Minute. ... Nekk Minute ... Nekk Minute... Yay!

Right, this is a more innappropriate exchange that happened between me and my friend. I was basically teasing him about asking out the girl he has a crush on.
Me : "So, should I do it for you or do you want to do it her face?" [The second part was also me taking the mickey out of him regarding a previous incident where he said he'd say yes if she said it to his face]
Him : "You sick, Asian pervert."
Me : ... *Insert breaking out into disturbed laughter*
"That's racist."

So... Yeah. Make what you will, but my friend is insane.

[Jessica Jane]

From Order of the Stick:

Tarquin: You can't make an omelet without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a glaring warning to others.

Julio: It doesn't matter if you win or lose-- as long as you look really cool doing it.


From Darths and Droids:
Obi-Wan: ... and finally suffering.
Obi-Wan: You're killing your own wife!
Obi-Wan: Your journey to the Dark Side is now complete!
R2-D2: Achievement unlocked!

[Suzie Miyazaki]

No, no, no, the best line from Darths And Droids is:
Qui-Gon/ Jim: Jar-Jar you're a genius!

But God I forgot how amazing Julio Scoundrel was ...

My friend's keeping a book of amusing things we all say. Most of them are about sex though, and the only line I have in it is something like.
Cross: WHO'S RINGING THE BELL!?

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Life is an STD.

I'm intelligent.

My sister is a normal human being.

Three very hilarious quotes. Especially the last two.

[Suzie Miyazaki]

Okay, so me and my friends were talking about dinosaurs and eventually we got to how T-Rexes were God's mistake and then ... well then I came out with this (very loud) gem:

"No wonder T-Rexes died out, they can't f*ck*ng masturbate with their tiny forearms!"

And then a few days later ...

"... Yeah ... yeah I reckon that velociraptor's could w*nk,"

God, for the rest of sixth form I'm going to be known as "That weird guy who talks about dinosaur masturbation"

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

So yesterday I got in a fight with my friend where I took his chair, he went to sit down, saw and slammed my head into a metal desk leg. I retaliated, to say the least. Later, after reconciling and kicking him as he shook my hand to call it even, two guys came up to us from our class.

Guy One, Name Dedacted : Don't worry man, [REDACTED] and I toughen ourselves up on each other all the time!
Guy Two, Name Redacted : Yeah, I'll just punch him in the gut right now! *Procedes to do so*
My Friend : Yeah, but you guys toughen each other up on desks?

[The Greeed]

Okay, managed to pull this one on my friend.

You know why you failed spelling? Whatever, I'll help you. First thing you need to understand is this.
Lose = Opposite of Win.
Loose = Your mum.

[Suzie Miyazaki]

I need everyone to help me with this but I plan to mess up the next generation of children by telling them this fact, and I want you to help too:

Aquariums and marine biology centres are really prisons for naughty fish.

[The Greeed]

Poor Kid : Mummy! What's wrong with my fish!?
Mum : Oh, don't worry. It's just swimming upside down at the top of the tank for a bit of change.[/b
Poor Teenager : Hey! She lied to me!

[Suzie Miyazaki]

Discussion about Doctor Who:

Friend M: I haven't seen it yet! Don't tell me. If you tell me I will stab you in the gut.
Friend N: Oh it's brilliant because th-
Friend M: IN. THE GUT.

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Best. Social. Sciences. Lesson. Ever.

"Why did Hitler kill himself?"
"He got the gas bill."

[Suzie Miyazaki]

Oooooooh, that's funny but at the same time ... so ... so awful.

Highlights of the day:

A girl in sociology starts changing a contact lens and our teacher pulls a face and hides behind a worksheet before saying.
"Ughhh, contact lenses should be banned, they should be classified as a class-A drug and banned,"

Second highlight of the day was this conversation between me, a friend (Here forth referred to as "R") and my Drama teacher (Mr. G)
R: Right, first thing I'm doing when I get home is to get a cup of tea.
Me: Which is different from your normal routine ... how exactly?
R: ... It's not
Me: *laughs*
Mr.G: You're doing that laugh again ...
Me: ... pardon?
R: What?
Mr.G: The laugh you did this morning when you were walking to school.
Me: Ummmm ...
Mr.G: Well when I was driving here the car in front of me just stopped like that, so I look up and there's you.
Me: Ohhhhhhh ... sh*t.
Mr.G: Just sort of lost in your own little world and listening to music.
Me: shhhhhh*****t ...
Mr.G: I don't think you even noticed the car.

But the best conversation was about an hour before this one:
*A friend (S) walks in, not bending her knees, supported by R*
*Mr.G and myself raise an eyebrow and look at each other*
S: It's raining outside and I can't bend my knees.
Me: Ummmm ...
S: Cause you know when you have really wet trousers-
Mr.G: Oh, I thought that your knees were just stiff and the rain was something else.
S: Oh no I can bend my knees fine *Proceeds to do so*
*Another friend, let's call her O, comes in*
O: Does anyone have a fork?
*R, S, Mr.G and myself all shake our heads*
Me: So, S comes in unable to bend, O needs a fork I cannot wait to see what H says when she comes in ...
Mr.G: Oh no, no, no I can beat that.
*So, Mr.G starts talking about two students who were kicked out in year 10 and he had checked their student files. What he found out was that these two students and another had been excluded, the reason for their exclusion was given as: "An incident involving a hedgehog. See footnote,"*