Funny Quotes Thread

[Kenton "Jonesy" Jones]

From Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when they're preparing to toss the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Arthur:(pulls pin) Alright, 1...2...5!
Gawain: 3, sir!
Arthur: 3! (throws 'nade)

[Suzie Miyazaki]

Another couple of fun drama discussions:

*After Mr. P has walked in and chatted to us about Drama and then left*
J: God he's sexy.
H: Yeah.
Me: What? Mr.P?
H: Yeah, he looks good for his age.
J: He is like the ultimate silver fox.
O: Ladies! Get your heads out of your ovaries!

A bit of a backnote, our group is doing Physical theatre which is, for all intents and purposes Dancing And Shouting. Part of our play, Stephen "Massive Wanker" Berkoff's The House Of Usher, involves me and O dropping to our knees ... hard.
Me and O: Owwwwww!
Mr.G: You know, there has never been a group doing Berkoff who haven't at some point gone "Ow! That really hurts!".

Lastly, me, S, O and H (A different H) are sniffing H's coloured pens.
Mr.G: So basically ... sorry what are you three doing?
*Me, O and H sort of look up*
Mr.G: You know, even if you had a massive bucket of astinite (Or whatever felt tip pens have in them) and just inhaled it all you'd probably only get a bit dizzy.
H: But they smell of strawberries!
Mr.G: Oh right, that's fine, I thought it was just some weird solvent abuse.
*At which point I've gone up to Mr.G with the red felt tip*
Mr.G: Oh that is actually quite nice.
J: Can I smell?

[Trenton Ricard]

You sound like you have a very interesting drama class.
History clad conversation, when we were talking about The French Revolution. Specifically we were arguing about the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of The Citizen. Even more specifically, I'm a third estate dude, H is a 1st/2nd estate dude.
Participants- Me, H, Mr. Niz
H- I don't care about you because my daddy is rich.
Me- Well my dad worked to get where he is, yours didn't do crap!
*argument continues*
Mr. Niz- Wait, are we talking about real dads now?

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Lol.

*After a girl's been real b!itchy to us*
Me : I think you're ovarieacting.
*My friends smirk, leaving the girl silent*

*During a game of party quirks*
Me, Being Cobb : Blah blah blah geeky inception stuff
(My Friend)Z : You're weird. I don't like you. *Continues to b!tch about everything*
E (Not a friend, but a girl that... Well, b!tches about everything) : Is that me?
Z : I don't like you!

And at my friend's drama class...
Z : F**k!
Teacher : Don't use that language in my class!
Z : Le Fauek. That was French. Happy?

[Trenton Ricard]

Grandma's Boy time! *insert chorus of kids cheering*
Participants- Mover 1, Mover 2, Josh, Nick(I'm not sure if that's the main characters name.)
Nick- Look, Yuri, I write a check for $1000 every month, give it to Josh, then he gives it to you, right Josh?
Josh-*nearly sobbing* I love them so much.
Nick- You love who?
Josh- The girls at Madame Kimay's Philipino Palace.
Nick- You've been spending our rent money... on Philipino hookers?
Josh- They're not hookers. *sobs* They massage the hurts.(not certain if that's his wording.)
Mover 1- They massage your c*ck for money. There's a word for that, I think it's hooker.
Josh- YOU'RE A HOOKER!

[Suzie Miyazaki]

A couple of days ago, in the common room, p*ss*ng about.

R: For Gods sake shave!
Me: Why?
R: Because you look like a werewolf!
S♂: Yeah, I bet he wants to look like Taylor Lautner when he grows up.
Me: Yeah but Taylor Lautner has no body hair ... at all, and I'm the complete opposite.
R: ... you still need to shave.

S♀: Show me your feet ...
Me: Pardon?
S♀: Sit over there and show me your feet.
*I walk over to the seat in front of S♀ and put my foot up*
S♀: You have really wide feet! They're like flippers!
Me: Great! So R says I like a werewolf and you say I have fish feet like a merman! I'm a hideous crossbreed of every movie monster ever!

S♂: Come on what would you rather be? A gay vampire or a gay werewolf?
Me: *grumbles*
S♂: Pardon?
Me: I said that a gay werewolf is slightly better okay!?

[Adam Jonas]

Just said this.

"I can't believe that I searched for "Heroes" but Google came up with "Herpes"

[Suzie Miyazaki]

God I love my sociology class. Basically Mr. G (A different Mr. G to my Drama Teacher) was talking to us about how RE annoys him since it's just watching videos.

Mr. G: If I have to watch Bend It Like Beckham again I'm going to kill something.

Oh and my status in Drama Class is something of a violent, psychologically abusive pervert.

... Great.

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

I slapped a vampire during Party Quirks because I was James Bond once xD

Anyway, Threatre sports...

Worst : Weatherman
"Now, over here we have... *whispers* That yellow thing is the sun, right? That yellow squiggly line?"
"As you can see here, it's perfectly dry! There's no rain, because we have a ceiling! Good day everyone."
Worst : Pilot.
"What the hell do you mean you dropped the keys!? I'm hanging three inches above the Pacific freaking ocean!"

[Peter Saint]

More specific bits of what happened today.

R: Wait, you don't know who George Osborne is?
Me: No! I don't know anything about politics, or the government! By the time I'm of voting age there'll be a new government anyway!
S♂: Cross, I'm going to put these into terms you understand. David Cameron? He's the emperor, and Nick Clegg is Vade-
R and Me: No he's not.
S♂: Okay so David Cameron is The Emperor, George Osborne is Darth Vader and Nick Clegg is a Tauntaun.

Later, continuing a James Bond conversation as we walk into our form room.
Me: ... Well, I like James Bond but I still think he has the potential to be a date rapist.
S♂: Yeah I suppose.
R: Well if you're going to be raped by anyone, it'd be James Bond.
S♂: Ah, it depends which one though, I mean, Piers Brosnan or Daniel Craig maybe but Timothy Dalton?
*S♀ has looked up from her phone with a look of disgust/ confusion*
S♀: Well you can't really choose who rapes you can you?

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Which reminds me of a joke.

A : Hey! Wanna play rape?
B : No..
A : That's the spirit!

[Suzie Miyazaki]

New Tricks was on a few nights ago and I have to share the best bit from the whole series with you:

(Oh, by the way, Brian is an old ex-police officer now working as a Civilian/ Volunteer detective for UCOS (Unsolved Crime and Open-case Squadron). Clarke is a young uniform copper working on the team.

Brian: If you were robbing a security van and wanted to immobilise the guard inside, where would you shoot him?
Clarke: ... The head?
Brian: You'll notice, Clarkie, I said "Immobilise", not "Kill instantly in an unnecessary bloodbath".
Clarke: ... The leg.
Brian: The leg, Good, Leg.
Clarke: Or the foot.
Brian: Let's just stick with the leg.
Clarke: Both legs.
Brian: One leg would probably suffice.
Clarke: But two to make sure.
Brian: It's a thirty second situation, Clarke! You shoot a man in the leg, he's really not going anywhere.
Clarke: But if you've already shot him in one leg, he's kind of stuck in situ while I shoot in in the other one. Might as well. Bang, number one — he can't move. Bang, number two — he really really can't move.
*Beat*
Brian: ... Get your coat, son.

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Got back from tour, got a bunch of funny stories.

One involving me chasing after a blonde in my sleeping bag =/

But...

For what's one of the best, you need to watch this first : www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIYvD9DI1ZA

Me : My iPod's running out of batteries... Gah. Still another five hours on the road.
Zach : Just charge it at the next school.
Me : You are now, officially, an honourary Asian. (Running gag between us)
*At the school*
Me, Panicking : On stage, my iPod is screwed, screw you Zach.
Zach : I'll figure something out!
After the show, I find my iPod fully charged... And locked for an hour.
Me : What the heck was that for?
*Debating on giving him a dead arm*
Zach : Hey, I saved you an hour of battery life.
*Silence*
Zach : Lock a friend's iPod? Legend.

Also, there was this one girl who fell into a pool fully clothed, got locked in our van's trailer and farted really loudly in the middle of the whole class. Nobody really liked her in the first place, especially Zach. Zach : 3, Pizza : -3

[The Hathaway Foundation]

Oh God, New Zealand's drink driving adverts are so much better than ours. =P

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

They've gotten better. They used to be just guys getting wasted then crashing (Drink and Drive, You're a Bloody Idiot), then guys meeting up after a crash with one of them dead and a heap of amputations (Same line as before), then a 'Stay in Mantrol' one (Shudder) and now... This. ;D