Funny Quotes Thread

[Suzie Miyazaki]

Mr.G (My Sociology teacher) has a load of pens, pencils and stationary. He says that him and Mr. Parker basically attack Staples every payday.

Mr.G: Who wants a highlighter?
S: Ooh! Me!
[Mr. G throws her a highlighter]
J: Can I have one please?
[Mr. G throws her a highlighter]
N: Sir, me.
Mr. G: Here, have the green one because you're Muslim.
[Beat]
Mr. G: Look, in all the years I've been a teacher I've found that boys never pick pink but girls always do, unless they're a Muslim girl in which case they choose green.
Me: Are you going to publish these findings?
Mr. G: Maybe, when I'm old and grey.
Me: ... I think you have too much free time on your hands.

[Tamiko Ohayashi]

Double Post but it's important ... well no it's not but it's funny.

Sooooo, I put up a suggestions sheet on our common room noticeboard.
The three items I put on were:

• Sugestion box.
  
• Cutlery
  
• Dustpan and brush.

When I saw it again after about a week, someone had corrected my misspelling of "Suggestion". And the sheet was now full. Here is it what it listed:

• Sugestion box.
  
• Cutlery
  
• Dustpan and brush.
  
• ^ In one of the cupboards
  
• Swingers association.
  
• JD for club.
  
• Democratic election once per month to to remove the dictatorship of J [The Junior Common Room President].
  VIVE LA RESISTANCE!
  
• Quad-Vods.
  
• Bumming pit and/or pre-allocated bumming area.
  
• J's dad ♡.
  
• I've got a suggestion for you suggestion board, why don't you bugger off!!!
  
• A hefty supply of wank-socks and porn (Of J's Dad).
  
• Glory holes
  
• Votes for snails.
  
• Alexei
  
• Freedom for political prisoners of the revolution.
  
• Tea trolley.
  
• Stocksbridge translation service (And vice-versa).
  
• A toaster. [Seriously though, a toaster would be great.]
  
• [The next entry is scribbled out and I can't read it.]
  
• NEW ROCK + ROLL DJ [This is also scribbled out but more legible and has "That'd actually work" written next to it.]
  
• Chamber pot (Communal?)
  
• You, Me, Later?
  
• Time Machine.
  
• The assassination of all Y12s that stole my milk or the authority to let me execute them.
  
• Speakers.
  
• Ashtray.
  
• Smoking area.
  
• Spliff MAKER/ Dealer.
  
• Nudist colony.
  
• Opium farm + Heroin distribution.
  
• A bar for the Y13's.
  
• WE WANT DOUG BROOKES BACK!
  
• Disco ball + Dance floor for funky moves and dance offs.
  
• [Something I can't make out]
  
• MARIAH CAREY POSTERS!
  

[Trenton Ricard]

In order to understand this quote, you will require a basic knowledge of Skyrim and Call Of Duty online play.
Participants- A, Me
A- So what's your kill/death ratio in Skyrim?
Me-*facepalm*

[Suzie Miyazaki]

So, in Drama we've been asked to make a musical version of the Greek tragedy Antigone. Our first song is a rap from King Creon of Thebes (Or "The C-Dawg"):

Yo, I'm Creon, you don't mess with me,
And this is the start of Antigone,
Our story begins with a bit of incest,
And if you sit tight then I'll tell you the rest,
A mother and a son you can guess what comes next,
etc. etc.

Then we start changing the lyrics of other songs:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
I just buried Polyneices!

And it goes on like this ...

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

So, we were having intense games of MW3 at midnight and such with my friend. To quote...

*During an Infection Map*
Me : HECK YES! I got someone! Did that count as quickscoping?
*It leaked onto my friend's microphone, as usual*
*My friend's friend over Live infects me.*
Me : BRRRIIIIAAAAN~ WE WANT BRIAAAANNN
---
Me : YES! I'm not infected yet! Need somewhere to camp...
*Runs past half of the survivors crowded and camped up on a white van*
Me : Screw that...
*Nekk Minute*
Me : Yes! The reception desk! Unstoppable!
~And so I went prone for the rest of the match*

Me, doing Campaign
Me : HECK YES, I got a wakeboard! RAMMING SPEED, FULL ON AHEAD!
---
Me : Dude, you're using a blowtorch. With fire. Underwater. WTF?
Why can't I run out of aaaaiiiir~~~
---
Price : Go prone and wait for the trucks to passs.
Me : OKAY I FULLY UNDERSTAND THAT
*Whips out an M4*
Me : DIE ALL YOU BLACK MILTIANS!
*Proceeds to run around in circles, shooting at nothing in particular.
Price : We've been compromised!
Me : No shi- Ooh, I respawned.
Price : Go prone...
Me : Yup, I gotcha..
*Proceeds to stroll through the enemy camp*
Price : We've been compromised!
---
Me : Sweet! I got a minigun!
*Proceeds to mow down everything in my way*
Me : Was that Soap?
FUUUUU-
--
*Me, doing Mile High Jack*
Me : EVERYONE DIES!
*Charges into the president's room, kills everyone as I run over the table and knife the first thing I see.*
Game : You killed the president.
--
Me, doing the opposite of Mile High Jack
Game : Go stand over there.
Me : Done! Now...
*Goes to stroll around the meeting room, being all awkard and teabagging a chair*
---
Same level
Me : EEEWW! PEDO INCEST! WTF, MAN? WHERE'S MY PP90?

This one was on Halo 3, us reanacting RvB.

Me : Caboose, throw those grenades!
*Lobs a frag over*
*Our Caboose throws it*
Our Meta : Shit, I'm stuck!
Me : Screw you.

From then on our RvB Forge session derailed.

[Otoha Kaburagi]

This really did happen to me at parent's evening.

Mum: I heard from him that your sister works here as well.
Mr S: Mrs S? Oh, she's my wife.
Mum:(Turns to me) You told me she was his sister.
Me: I honestly thought she was your sister, sir.
Mr S: Oh, she's that as well.

An awkward silence followed.

[Tamiko Ohayashi]

So that thing I mentioned above? Antigone the musical?

It went wrong.

Horribly wrong.

So very, very wrong.

[The Greeed]

Someone on Youtube..

Justin Bieber's penis is the size of the dislike bar. In Soviet Russia, the ground falls on you. Chuck Norris is somehow related to this video. Rebecca Black sucks. Thumbs up if *insert obvious bullshit here*. My parents thought I was watching porn. *insert same thing as top comment here*. press 123456789 and thumbs up. I hate ads. *Insert quote from video here*. Cats somehow tie into this video. *Insert bad pun about the video here*

There, now you only have to read 1 comment.

[Byrne Wildre]

Strange question, Kaisu, was one of those from a video about a reaction to a nipple piercing?

[Steve Rogers]

"A" wrote this on a whiteboard:
"All I want for Christmas is ...
Lot's and lot's of hugs,
Or money,
Or good grades,
Or maybe a house,
Your choice. =)"

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Wut? No.. It was a Minecraft video =/

[Which was totally false advertising, btw.]

Or do you mean the comments in the megacomment? In that case, I wouldn't know, but considering that most games have comments like those...

Wait, Night... How would you now? 0-O

[Kiriha Kyuuseishu]

Got this off HJU, and loved it.

I thought the preview obviously hinted it was a 'shove a fcuking Jupiter up your bloody ass' falcon punch?
He seems to have three variations of Rider Punches.

"Shining Finger" - Mars

"Rasengan" - Jupiter

"Destructo Disk" - Saturn


Of course, those aren't the official names, but yeah.

[[Kaisu] Elizabeth Clarke]

Shining Finger? G Gundam?

On another note... I just LOVE playing Halo so much that.. Actually, I'll just post it.

[Me, as moninter in H3 Forge]
Me : Get in the tank! Get in the tank! Get in the Scorpion! Get in the tank!
*I swing it at him and let go, getting a splatter/betrayal*
---
Me :YES! A HORNET! IT'S BEEN SO LONG! I missed you.. I'mma gonna keep you in our MOMMA. (Mobile Operations base of Military Munitions and Attack force, a pimped out Elephant xD)
Me : Okay! We're going out for a ride!
...
Me : It's stuck... Oh well, just spawn another one.
*Ensue crazy missiles flying everywhere, me making fun of the minefield, etc*
*Returns to base*
Me : Hey, what did you do with the Hornet?
*Turns out it despawned*
Me : Dearly Beloved we are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Hornet, and Void, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now, or forever rest in peace! With liberty… and justice… for all. The end.

[Kiriha Kyuuseishu]

Yeah, G Gundam.

[William Paragon]

From This Video. They're trying to find out who murdered the back-up vocalist.

Matt:Alright, I am from Turkey. And that b*st*rd Nolan's from Ireland! And everybody knows that Ireland and Turkey-
DS Fail:Have absolutely no history of conflict whatsoever as far as I'm aware ...